The Slayers Fan Fiction Review Guild
by Bezo and Yezo
Summary: Have you ever wondered what the characters of Slayers would think of the various fan fictions bouncing around out there? Yeah, neither have we. But we wrote a story. We like stories.


1 Slayers Fan Fiction Review Guild  
  
By Bezo the Blue Priest and Yezo the Yellow Priest  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: None of these characters are ours, although we do enjoy torturing them through various strange and wonderful adventures. The guy who created Slayers owns all the characters, except for Stone Cold Steve Austin, who owns himself.  
  
Introduction and Mild Warning: This story was not created with the intent of offending anyone. It was created with the intent of offending everyone.  
  
Please send flames intended for Bezo to flamingpitsofhell@yahoo.com  
  
Please send flames intended for Yezo to the_pyre42@hotmail.com  
  
If you don't know who you're trying to flame, take a deep, cleansing breath, then think about it again. If this doesn't work, HA-HA!  
  
  
  
[The scene is an inn; Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, Xellos, and Filia are seated around a table, each deeply engrossed in reading from a stack of papers. The stacks before Xellos and Zelgadis are high enough to rival the stacks of dishes from some of Lina and Gourry's greatest meals, while the stacks before Gourry and Amelia are closer to the height of those from Zelgadis's meals: that of a coffee cup. Every now and again, a character sets down their paper, and scratches their head, shakes their head in despair, groans in annoyance, or smacks the Supreme Elder, who just will NOT go away.]  
  
Supreme Elder: Filiaaaaaaa…  
  
Filia: Yes, Supreme Elder?  
  
Supreme Elder: Filiaaaaaaa…  
  
Filia: Um, what is it, Supreme Elder?  
  
Supreme Elder: Filiaaaaaaa…  
  
Filia: WHAT?!  
  
Supreme Elder: I just like saying your name…Filiaaaaaaa…  
  
Zelgadis: Will someone PLEASE shut him up? [takes a lengthy slurp of coffee, set the cup down, and sighs happily. There. That ought to hold you Zelgadis-fan-girls for a while.]  
  
Xellos: *points a menacing finger with the evil expression from the opening of Slayers Try*  
  
Supreme Elder: Uh…bye…Filiaaaaaaaa…  
  
[Supreme Elder leaps to his feet and runs, apparently forgetting that he can wink out.]  
  
Amelia: Well, that was…strange.  
  
Xellos: Yes, it certainly was. Don't you agree, Filiaaaaaa? *Giggles*  
  
[Filia growls, then smiles wickedly, and then slowly and seductively slides her dress up her thigh…inch by inch…and then pulls out her mace and beats Xellos soundly over the head with it.]  
  
Xellos: That… *lifts a finger*  
  
All: Gasp!  
  
Xellos: …is a massive headache that I could have lived without.  
  
All: Aww…  
  
All Xellos-fans at their various computers around the world: WHAT?!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!! BLOODY SECRET-TEASE!!!  
  
Gourry: Hey, did anyone just hear a bunch of angry girls?  
  
Zelgadis: Every time you're around, there are a bunch of angry girls.  
  
Gourry: *scritchies* I wonder why…  
  
[Zel shrugs and sips his coffee again.]  
  
Lina: Hey, guys? Can we please get back to the plot? *picks a sheet of paper and reads in silence for a moment, then slams it down in frustration*  
  
What the heck is this?! I don't even WEAR dresses, so why does this story have a seven-page description of the "wonderful silken creation of delicate pale green, woven through with threads of pure gold" and so on? And on? And on?  
  
Gourry: Yeah, you're more likely to spend the gold than to wear it.  
  
Lina: Yeah, you're probably right. After all, a girl's gotta eat, and that dress could buy a lot of food. Enough for at least…  
  
Zelgadis: An hour? For just you?  
  
Gourry: Not me! Half an hour, tops.  
  
Lina: Yeah?! That sounds like a challenge! You're on! *calls to waiter* Hey! Triple portions of everything on the menu! And hurry!  
  
Zelgadis: *sigh* They'll be at this for a while. *reads his paper for a few minutes, then looks up in mild alarm*  
  
Amelia, what's wrong?  
  
Amelia: *sniffles, wipes away tears* Why do they all hate me?!  
  
Xellos: That…  
  
All, except Lina and Gourry: Gasp!  
  
Xellos: …is a good question, Amelia. *grins as more angry cries from fan- girls can be heard in the distance*  
  
Gourry: *glancing up from food* There are those angry girls again.  
  
Lina: Hah! While you were talking, I gained two more plates!  
  
Gourry: Yeah?! Well, while you were talking, I caught up!  
  
Lina: Oh, is that so? Well, while YOU were talking… [and so on, ad nauseum]  
  
Zelgadis: *sighs* Amelia, try to calm down. I haven't seen you cry like this since we thought Phil was dead. I mean, whine a little, maybe… [Amelia sobs more violently] …but then, so does Lina.  
  
Lina (muffled by a mouth-full of food): Dragon…  
  
Xellos: …is a secret!  
  
All, including fan-girls at respective computers, as well as Stone Cold Steve Austin: WHAT?!!!  
  
Xellos: Quota.  
  
Amelia: *sniffling* This one says that I'm a whiny little brat, this one says I'm weak and useless and always get in the way and screw up the battle, this one says Mr. Zelgadis hates me, this one says Miss Lina wants to kill me, this one says *blink* I'm…having sex with Xellos?  
  
Xellos: ^_^  
  
Amelia: Stoppit!  
  
Xellos: What? I didn't say anything!  
  
Amelia (grumpily): Fine. And this one's really mean!  
  
[Amelia passes the story around, and as each respective person reads it, their face goes white, including Xellos']  
  
Filia: That's…monstrous!  
  
Xellos: I resent that! There are some things that even I wouldn't stoop to!  
  
Lina and Gourry: I'm not hungry.  
  
[A tense silence falls. Then, a loud rumbling is heard from Lina's and Gourry's stomachs.]  
  
Lina: Oh, there we go.  
  
Gourry: All better.  
  
[The massive pile of food in front of them dwindles some more.]  
  
Zelgadis: *pats Amelia on the shoulder* Well, look at it this way. You're not the only one with problems. This says *peers closer at the paper, goes white* …I'M sleeping with Xellos?!  
  
Xellos (looking faintly annoyed): Hmm…what is this obsession with my sex life? I'm a monster! I don't have a gender. THERE'S NOTHING DOWN THERE!!!  
  
Zelgadis: Characterization.  
  
Xellos: Oh, dear. I suppose you're right.  
  
Amelia: Characterization. When have you ever admitted that anyone else is right?  
  
Xellos: That…  
  
All: Gasp!  
  
Xellos: …is irrelevant.  
  
Fan-girls at respective computers: Stop taunting us! You're looking to get your asses kicked, Bezo and Yezo!  
  
Filia: Um…guys? Who's Sylphiel?  
  
Zelgadis: She's a friend of ours from Sairaag. She's a shrine maiden. Or at least, she would be if the shrine hadn't been destroyed by Copy Rezo.  
  
Filia: …oh. So…why does this story state that I'm having *blush* relations of an unwholesome sort with her?  
  
Lina: Heh-heh…Sylphiel's checkin' out your tail, huh, Filia? Hey! *smacks Gourry's hand away from a chicken leg in front of her* I said time-out!  
  
Gourry: No, you didn't.  
  
Lina: Oh. *Blinks* You're right. *wolfs down chicken at a dizzying rate*  
  
Zelgadis: *makes an irritated noise* Why is it that all of these stories have me declaring my love for Lina while handing her a dozen red roses and reading her a sonnet over a candlelit dinner?  
  
Lina (with a piece of chicken hanging from the corner of her mouth): Huh?  
  
Zelgadis: Oh, nothing, Lina. Eat your chicken.  
  
Lina: Kay. *returns to her chicken*  
  
Xellos: I know what you mean, Zelgadis. I can't see you confessing your undying love for anyone, and that's without the roses and the sonnet.  
  
Zelgadis: And Lina of all people! Never, ever, in ten million life times, will I ever fall for Lina. The mere thought of my being attracted to Lina - *halts abruptly with a nervous expression as Lina looks up with a dangerous expression in her eye* – although NOT in the least bit repellent…at all…as she IS a very attractive girl… *Lina nods in satisfaction*…is massively unlikely.  
  
Xellos: Why, Zelgadis, this author seems to think differently. I have before me a rather tragic scene in which, finding that Lina and I are in love, you put an end to your own life.  
  
Amelia: *looks up from her sheet of paper* How silly! Mr. Zelgadis is more level-headed than that!  
  
Xellos: Would you like to hear what happens to YOU in this story, Amelia?  
  
Amelia: Um…okay…  
  
Zelgadis: That's probably a bad idea.  
  
Xellos: *comes around the table and whispers something to her*  
  
Amelia: *is silent for a moment, then bursts into tears again* I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!! AND NEITHER WOULD MR. GOURRY!!!  
  
Gourry (taking a long drink from a mug): Huh?  
  
Zelgadis (handing her a handkerchief): I told you so.  
  
Lina (pushing the last plate away from her): Ahhh! Well, that about does it. And I hope you've learned something from this, Gourry.  
  
Gourry (also pushing a plate away): That you like the bones just as well as the chicken?  
  
Lina: NO! That it's a bad idea to challenge me!  
  
Gourry: Oh! That, too.  
  
Zelgadis: Now will you two PLEASE go back to reading?  
  
Lina: Oh, fine, Zel. *picks up a story, reads in silence for a time* Great! Now they've got me stabbing myself at Gourry's wedding to Sylphiel!  
  
Gourry: Who's Sylphiel?  
  
Lina: *brings her first directly down on his head*  
  
Gourry: Owwww…  
  
Filia: Oh, my… *turns very red*  
  
Amelia: What is it, Miss Filia? *leans over to read from Filia's paper, then turns slightly red* Oh, my. But…I thought we'd already established that Mr. Xellos doesn't have a- *makes muffled noises as Filia claps a hand over her mouth*  
  
Xellos: ^_^  
  
Filia: Please be quiet, Miss Amelia. *removes hand and glares at Xellos*  
  
Amelia: Sorry, Miss Filia.  
  
Gourry: Uh, Lina?  
  
Lina: Yeah, Gourry?  
  
Gourry: What's a $#*#@^&*$#@*%*&#?  
  
[Everyone stares at him incredulously.]  
  
Lina (choking slightly): Uh…Gourry…where did you get something like that?  
  
Gourry: Oh, it's what I call Xellos as I kill him with the Sword of Light after he tries to take you away in this story.  
  
Lina: Oh, brother! Let me see that! *snatches paper, reads aloud, gradually becoming more and more irritated* "'Keep your hands off my woman!' he howled, shoving the glowing sword into Xellos' chest, sliding it deeper, until only the hilt remained."  
  
What is wrong with these people?!  
  
Gourry: Yeah! Why would Xellos have his hands on you in the first place?  
  
[Everyone's face goes slightly red as they envision this, barring Xellos]  
  
Xellos: That…  
  
All: Gasp!  
  
Fan-girls: I think this is really it! *Swoon*  
  
Xellos: …is quite unlikely to occur, Gourry!  
  
Fan-girls at respective computers: AAARRRRGGGHHH!!! This really isn't funny anymore!  
  
Xellos: ^_^  
  
Lina: Y'know, guys, I'm beginning to think that it was a bad idea, agreeing to review these fan stories.  
  
[Enter Rezo.]  
  
Rezo: I see.  
  
[Exit Rezo.]  
  
Gourry: Was that Rezo…or Copy Rezo?  
  
Lina: Hey, Gourry! I know! Maybe it was Copy Copy Rezo!  
  
Zelgadis: Oh, does it really matter? It was just something the authors threw in for cheap laughs, anyway.  
  
Amelia: Kind of like Martina!  
  
[Enter Martina.]  
  
Martina: Oh, who was that handsome, mysterious cloaked man who just came in and left?  
  
Zangalus (from outside): Hey! Blind man! How dare you alienate the affections of my charming and lovely wife?! Draw your sword and prepare to die!!!  
  
[Entire group runs outside.]  
  
Rezo: I have no sword. I have only my staff. See? *jingling of Rezo's staff can be heard*  
  
Zangalus (taken aback): Oh. Well, never mind, then. Without a sword, you hold no interest for me. Come, Martina.  
  
Gourry: *Sigh* Oh, at this rate, this thing is never gonna end. It just keeps getting sillier and sillier.  
  
Xellos (to Rezo): Staffs are so convenient, aren't they?  
  
Rezo (whirling about): Who said that?!  
  
Xellos: That…  
  
All: Gasp!  
  
[A silence falls. Tumbleweed rolls past, and the doors of the creakily inn swing open and shut several times. And somewhere in the distance, a dog barks.]  
  
Xellos: …is something you should have figured out by now, Copy Copy Copy Copy Rezo!  
  
[Cue melodramatic ominous music, melting into Rezo theme.]  
  
All: What?!  
  
[Enter Stone Cold Steve Austin.]  
  
Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?  
  
Everyone else: What?  
  
Austin: What?  
  
All: What?  
  
Austin: What?  
  
All: *sigh*  
  
Austin: I need a beer. What? I said I need a beer.  
  
[Austin saunters into the inn.]  
  
Zelgadis: What once had some tiny shred of plot, intelligence, and meaning has degenerated into this. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  
  
Filia: When did this have a semblance of meaning, intelligence or plot?  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, Copy Copy Copy Copy Copy Rezo was just about to tell us the story of his origin! Don't you want to hear it?  
  
Zelgadis (deadpan): I'm nearly mad with anticipation.  
  
Copy Copy Copy Copy Rezo: Actually, child, it's Copy Copy Copy Copy Rezo.  
  
Amelia: Wasn't...that what I said?  
  
Copy etc. Rezo: One too many Copies, my dear.  
  
Zelgadis: I agree wholeheartedly.  
  
Lina: Oh, enough! Just…tell us who you are and what you're planning so we can defeat you and get to sleep some time tonight!  
  
Copy etc. Rezo: Very well. You see, my dear, I am the copy of the copy of the copy of the original Copy Rezo. And I will surpass Copy Copy Copy Rezo, Copy Copy Rezo, Copy Rezo, and even Rezo himself!!! Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!! *staff jingles*  
  
[At this point, a rather large cow mysteriously falls from the sky and lands on the ill-fated copy.]  
  
Copy etc. Rezo: *groans* Argh, I die, die, die.  
  
Gourry: Well, you managed to surpass all the Rezos. None of them managed to die so quickly.  
  
Zelgadis: Or so…strangely.  
  
Copy etc. Rezo: Yes! That is true. Let this cow be my monument.  
  
Gourry: So…does that mean we can't eat it?  
  
Zelgadis: What would you like on your gravestone? And don't think we're shelling out for Copy Copy Copy Copy Rezo, either!  
  
Filia: I know! Let's call him Ed! That's nice and short!  
  
Ed: Very well. What colour begins with "e"?  
  
Amelia: Um…ermine?  
  
Gourry: You could always call yourself Rezo the Ed Priest!  
  
Lina: Gourry! Show some respect! Ed's dying here!  
  
Gourry: But he was gonna kill us!  
  
Ed: Enough! I will be Ed the Ermine Priest. *dies, tongue lolling comically out*  
  
Lina: Great! He's dead! Now let's eat the cow!  
  
Zelgadis: First things first. Everyone, go get your pile of fan fictions, and put them in that field over there.  
  
[Group complies, and soon a heaping pile of papers is formed.]  
  
Amelia: What are you planning on doing to them, Mr. Zelgadis?  
  
Zelgadis: Giving them the end they deserve. Lina, Dragon Slave.  
  
Lina (looking up from the cow that she and Gourry are rapidly devouring, roasting it bit by bit with fireballs): Huh?  
  
Zelgadis: *sweatdrops* You're right. A Dragon Slave is too good for it. RAH- TI…  
  
Xellos: Wait, Zelgadis. As monstrous as they are, I doubt that will affect them.  
  
Filia: I know! I could cast an "Argh!" or maybe an "Ungh!" or perhaps "Aaaaaa!"  
  
Zelgadis: Don't any of your spells have real names, Filia?  
  
Filia: Just because you don't understand Golden Dragon is no reason to downplay the importance of my very technical incantations! I'm going back to my shop, where I am appreciated and loved! *winks out*  
  
Xellos: It's okay, Zelgadis. *put an arm around his shoulders* I don't understand Golden Dragons either. (There. That should hold you Xel/Zel fans until you can find another fic.)  
  
Zelgadis (disentangling Xellos' arm from his shoulder and sighing): Why don't we just let them decompose in their own wretched filth?  
  
Gourry (muffled by cow): Do you mind? We're trying to eat here!  
  
Zelgadis (putting an arm around Amelia): I don't know why I hang around these people.  
  
[They saunter off into the sunset.]  
  
Xellos (watching them go): Ah, what wacky adventures await this rag-tag group next? Where will they go? What will they find? That…  
  
Fan-girls: If this isn't it, we are seriously going to switch our fandom loyalties to Dragonball Z!  
  
Xellos: …is something you will have to wait until next time to discover!  
  
[Xellos winks out.]  
  
  
  
The End…at last! sigh of relief 


End file.
